So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
