we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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