My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
