nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
