My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
