I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
