It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
