Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
