I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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