Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
