Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
