Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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