Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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