apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
