i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
