when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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