so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
