I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize