I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
