apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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