Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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