nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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