I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
