my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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