she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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