woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
