So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
