This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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