Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
