I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize