Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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