I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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