they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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