I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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