Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
be right there i have to get my cape
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
