I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
