Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
