I just made out with a guy for $7.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
