you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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