You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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