Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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