need another drink. this is the easiest way
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
