Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
