Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize