I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Farmville is her only friend.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
