I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize