I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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