I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
