I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
