You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
