yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
