I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
