he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
