your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize