It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
