Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
