She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
