I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
