my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
